Well I've been dealing with a tremendous amount of anxiety. I think the surgeon doesn't really understand how bad it is effecting me. I'm not terrified of the pain, like he thinks I am. I know I'm going to have a lot of pain after the surgery. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain and I know I can and will get through that. I'm terrified of the Anesthesiologist.
When I was 15 I had a breast reduction done. The Dr gave me Morphine for the pain, which we found out I was allergic to by going into anaphylaxis. My tongue swells and my throat closes up, and sheer panic ensues because I can't breathe, which doesn't help the issue. Well I was obviously told NEVER to have morphine again but in 2006 when I had my second c-section the Anesthesiologist who's name by the was was DR SLAUGHTER, after asking me why I "thought" I was allergic to Morphine, decided I really didn't have an allergic reaction at all, but that I had "just been given to much". So even though my husband and I told her not to give it to me, she ordered it for me anyway. I woke up from surgery to a nurse adding a bag to my IV and I decided to ask her what it was, to find out it was morphine!! Thankfully I had woken to find this out, or I wouldn't be here writing this blog! Well breathing stopped, and anaphylaxis ensued along with panic on everyone's part, but they were able to help me through it.
So needless to say every surgery I have had since I bring my own signs and hang them in the room, on the door and on the IV bag. NO MORPHINE!!! It hasn't happened again, and I'm praying it won't happen this time, as I won't have a working mouth to open to ask for help or gasp for air.
I've also read other experiences from people having this surgery and they have had said their noses and throats swell after surgery as well as their face, which would leave me in a panic, feeling as though I can't breathe. So when I say I'm TERRIFIED, I really mean it. The surgeon has given me a xanax to take 2 hours before I leave for the hospital and I'm hoping it will do the trick. I'm also going to make sure that he has it on the orders for the nurses so they will just give it to me for the 1st day so I don't get panicked in case my nose is swollen and I don't feel like I can breathe well.
....Well just to make things more interesting...I got a call from the hospital 2 days ago telling me that because this was elective surgery I had to pay for it in advance. I have the money in Flex Spending but don't have any way to access it until they bill the insurance after the surgery. So in a way I was disappointed that my surgery would be cancelled, but in another annoyed I have been stressing out for no reason and that this meant lengthening my agony before it finally happened! The lady at the hospital asked me to come in and bring all our financial information. I did and she then told me that due to the information I brought her we will only be required to make a $50 copay for my surgery! I was so happy and grateful when I left her office for about 10 feet, when panic overwhelmed me and I had to go find a bench in a corner to sob for about 15 minutes. I called my mom crying and she asked what was the matter, and I said "they approved us" and sobbed some more. I know it's crazy but it meant there wasn't anything keeping me from having the surgery now but me and I have to go through with it!! My mom knew exactly why I was feeling anxious and helped calm me down. When I got home I had to take a xanax just to get through the day as the anxiety just kept overwhelming me!! I hate feeling like a big baby, I'm anything but a wimp...until it comes to me not breathing!
Well, I'm better today and getting my house ready for my "absence". I've got some good friends who are going to bring by dinner on Monday for my family. So thankful for good friends!
So I guess the count down is on. I have a lot to do around the house and some shopping to do. I also need to make a living will and give it to the hospital when I go in...way to calm my anxiety people!!
I'll post some before pics soon so I can keep a record of my progress and transformation. I hope in the end I will be happy with the result. That I can take a photo without fear or deleting it, and that I can finally accept a compliment from my husband without thinking "yea right". I always just kinda giggle...my husband said to me the other day he hopes the surgery will make me conceited! LOL
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